Meet the Ol' Empian Family

I'm going to take a break from Harry Cleese and the ol' Empian family for a little while so I can play with some other forms and genres (and let's face it adapting greek myths to modern crime drama isn't exactly easy). But before I do, I wanted to give you a look at the bosses and lieutenants of the family and their original Greek/Roman godly counterparts.

Big Zed Empian= Zeus/Jupiter
Big Zed is an energy baron who has a monopoly on local utilities. He used his power and influence to take control of the ol' Empian family because his father, Sal (Kronos/Saturn), did not trust control of the family to his children. A strong leader but morally questionable man, Zed has many children out of wedlock. This is especially hard on his wife June (Hera/Juno) who, as the family matriarch, plans weddings and is a marriage counselor.

June Empian= Hera/Juno
As mentioned, the matriarch to the ol' Empian family and wedding planner. This may seem like a frivolous job, but June actually oversees proper pairings and unions in and out of the family to keep or create peace with the rest of the criminal underworld. She is fond of peacock print but not her husband's mistresses or bastard children. She is known to be petty and malicious to everyone involved in the infidelity except for Zed. She's not dumb enough to challenge a crime lord, even if she is his wife.

Paul Cyrus Empian= Poseidon/Neptune
Big Zed's older brother who captain's a smuggling ship for the family. He, Zed, and their eldest brother Hardy (Hades/Pluto) gambled on who would oversee what major operations after overthrowing their father. Zed won first choice and took over the front business, a thriving airplane parts factory and warehouse, along with general family management and his energy monopoly. Paul won second and took what was his first choice with the smuggling ship, preferring the vast freedom of the ocean. He's known to have anger problems but also a soft spot for horses and storm-watching.

Hardy Empian= Hades/Pluto
The oldest brother of the current generation leading the family, Hardy feels entitled to run it and is unhappy and bitter about his position in the operations. Hardy runs a morgue and funeral parlor specializing in foreign body recovery. This is a front and cover for the actual operation, which is hiding the contraband for Paul's smuggling ship. He is widely despised for forcing Zed's sister-in-law Demi's (Demeter) barely-legal daughter Steph (Persephone) to marry him.

Demi Turner= Demeter/Ceres
June's sister who runs a restaurant as a front for the family. Some-what considered ineffectual for the most part, Demi does control one important thing in the family. As a prenuptial agreement, Steph only stays with Hardy six months of the year. The rest of her time is spent with Demi at the restaurant where she is the star chef. Her cooking brings in many more customers which greatly assists in money laundering. Time without Steph is a financial winter for the family.

April Empian= Aphrodite/Venus
An outsider to the family who was married to Heywood (Hephaestus/Vulcan) as a political strategy by June to fold April's operation into the family. April is a madame who pairs certain important persons with her girls to cause trouble and to keep an upper hand on local officials. April is as notoriously unfaithful as Big Zed. Her preferred boy-toy is Aaron (Ares) who Heywood repeatedly catches and tries to exploit.

Heywood Empian= Hephaestus/Vulcan
One of Big Zed's few children with June, Heywood was guaranteed a spot at the family table. Heywood was born with a deformity and was initially shunned by the family. Proving himself by designing and building various weapons and devices for the family generals, he won respect if not adoration. Some of his best known creations are Big Zed's bolts, throwing blades equipped with stun-gun capabilities; Hardy's camo cap, a simple balaclava equipped with a device that disrupts electrical lighting systems allowing him to blend into the shadows; and Paul's tri-pole, a deep sea fishing pole that conceals a three-bladed staff perfect for retrieving contraband in those hard to reach smugglers' hallows.

Aaron Empian= Ares/Mars
Heywood's full brother and April's boyfriend (that's awkward). Aaron is the top enforcer and field commander of the family. Dishonorably discharged from the military for "excessive brutality" (fuckin' people up), Aaron puts his misplaced anger to good use for the family. A frightening father figure, he teaches each of his kids specific war tactics and ideals. His son Damien (Deimos) is practiced in puffery to put dread in his opponents while his other son Foss (Phobos) fills them with fear. His daughter Adrian (Adrestia) does nothing unless it's for revenge.

Missy Arte= Artemis/Diana
The daughter of Big Zed and an illegal immigrant named Lydia Arte (Leto). June is jealous of all of Big Zed's mistresses, but Lydia in particular threatened her power. Lydia was the daughter of the boss of an Italian crime syndicate that could bear Zed children with rights to both families. To keep Lydia from giving birth on American soil and therefore claiming citizenship, June had her deported. Due to the unexpected interference of a rogue fisherman (also known as Paul) Lydia's ship did not make it out of U.S. waters before she gave birth to her twins Missy and Palo (Apollo). Missy has been mistreated far too many times by men to trust them anymore. She is an avid hunter and uses it to help rehabilitate young battered woman.

Palo Arte= Apollo
The twin brother of Missy. Palo is the family's resident arsonist, poisoner, and medic. Like his sister, he is a perfect shot and used often as a sniper. He is also known to be very proud and vengeful when it comes to his mother. When it was rumored that June put a hit out on Lydia, he killed the supposed assassin without verifying. Further still, when Naia Bello (Niobe) claimed Lydia left home out of shame for only having two children who didn't even contribute to the Arte family, Palo murdered all seven of Naia's sons.

Minnie Empian= Athena/Minerva
The daughter of Big Zed and an unknown mother. Given her intelligence, Big Zed likes to claim she just came out of his head. The smartest of his kids, Minnie is Big Zed's personal strategist. She claims to have no time for men and as a result has never had one. When Big Zed had an some property he couldn't manage, a stretch of boardwalk restaurants and front businesses, Minnie and Paul fought over ownership. Tired of their arguing, Big Zed left the decision to the employees. Paul offered to put a pool in just for employees while Minnie offered free food for them at the restaurants. Deciding free food was more important than a pool on the beach, Minnie was chosen as their matron. Thus was created "Minnie's Boardwalk."

Herm Essex= Hermes/Mercury
Another of Big Zed's bastard children, Herm is the family's fence and product runner. He spends most of his time on the road, but caused some trouble when he was younger. When he was a boy his mother, May (Maia), forbade him from family operations. Herm snuck out his window and decided to pull off a heist at a music shop. He wasn't caught but didn't realize that Palo had been planning to hit the shop himself. Seeing him flee, Palo followed Herm home planning to beat him for his insolence. When Palo got there he discovered Herm playing an early Gibson Les Paul that had been secured in the owner's private vault. Palo was so impressed that he asked for the guitar in exchange for forgiveness for the rest.

Dino Cease= Dionysus/Bacchus
The youngest of Big Zed's children to sit at the table, Dino almost wasn't born. His mother, Millie Cease, was a woman unaware of Big Zed's criminal actions. Disguised as an old woman at the hair salon, June convinced Millie to walk in on a heist to see for herself. Millie, not believing for a second that Big Zed would do such things, stepped right in the middle of a stand-off between the Empian's and a rival team. Millie was gunned down instantly. Having already lost the mother, Big Zed huddled around her in an attempt to save the fetus. An ambulance eventually showed up and the small Dino was born prematurely thanks to the efforts of his father.

Thanks for reading. I highly suggest researching Greek mythology on your own. It's a hobby that satisfies several interests: literature, anthropology, theology, history, and many others. I do plan to finish adapting the rest of the twelve labors of Heracles (if you're just now realizing that's what Harry Cleese is, you really need to study mythology), but I need a break to work on other things. So keep an eye out for the eventual post of Harry Cleese: Part 5 "Cry for Kieran".